So as a woman with endo, I had read that your fertility can greatly decrease at the age of 30. Well, low an behold, this past week I got told that I had a new growth which has been causing me severe amounts of pain in my spine. Twisting and turning my facet joints like bolts through wood. So, onto medication I go. No getting pregnant on it, no ttc at all. Sigh. Another road block. I will take the meds because this pain is unbearable and whatever is in there would not be healthy for a little bean anyway. I will start off with 3 months, and then get a sonohystogram to make sure my tubes are clear and my uterus still looks healthy enough to carry a LO to term. Then we will keep trying on our own. I figure 6 months and then hubs and I will need to have a chat about IUI. If my body and my fertility is diminishing this quickly, I will opt for a full hysterectomy after we get our babe. Being in this much pain is not living and it is so hard to feel joy when waking up can bring on new levels of discomfort with every little thing you try to do in your normal, daily life.
Until then, I will continue on and try to keep hope for the future.
Sunday, 8 February 2015
Tuesday, 11 November 2014
Chemical pregnancies :(
So, after what has already felt like an eternity with all of this 'lovely' TTC crap, recently we got to add not one, but two chemical pregnancies to our resume. :(
For anyone who doesn't know what a chemical pregnancy is, very simply put, it is a very early miscarriage. Where either the little bean tried to implant but failed or failed after it had begun to stick. Either way, it's a shit deal. Some people use this term far too loosely - which really pisses me off by the way- and some people just think it's your period coming late. Well, am I bleeding? Yup. Would I bleed in my normal cycle? Yup. But the difference is that other cycles I didn't get to see progression of pinks lines on pee sticks and KNOW that I pregnant! Kind of a big deal, don't you think?
Well if you're my Dad, it's all the same. He doesn't get what the 'big deal' is because 'if you stopped testing early, you'd never know'. Uh-huh, because ignorance is bliss for his generation I suppose. Where as I, actually want to know what is going on with my body and why these little beans won't stick!! Do I need vag-candies (progesterone) or something else to keep this next little embaby in there?
So, for now. I sit here bleeding, with my third loss and think to myself 'what could I have done differently? Did I cause this? What if it never happens for us?' And then I remember all of the joy those two lines gave me and think, that is my reason for continuing on. The joy, the hope and the dream of someday holding a little one in my arms.
For anyone who doesn't know what a chemical pregnancy is, very simply put, it is a very early miscarriage. Where either the little bean tried to implant but failed or failed after it had begun to stick. Either way, it's a shit deal. Some people use this term far too loosely - which really pisses me off by the way- and some people just think it's your period coming late. Well, am I bleeding? Yup. Would I bleed in my normal cycle? Yup. But the difference is that other cycles I didn't get to see progression of pinks lines on pee sticks and KNOW that I pregnant! Kind of a big deal, don't you think?
Well if you're my Dad, it's all the same. He doesn't get what the 'big deal' is because 'if you stopped testing early, you'd never know'. Uh-huh, because ignorance is bliss for his generation I suppose. Where as I, actually want to know what is going on with my body and why these little beans won't stick!! Do I need vag-candies (progesterone) or something else to keep this next little embaby in there?
So, for now. I sit here bleeding, with my third loss and think to myself 'what could I have done differently? Did I cause this? What if it never happens for us?' And then I remember all of the joy those two lines gave me and think, that is my reason for continuing on. The joy, the hope and the dream of someday holding a little one in my arms.
Tuesday, 29 July 2014
Having a Bad Day
You know how when you're having a bad day and people tell you to just 'relax, things will get better'? Well I hate this advice personally. For one thing, no one can see into the future. The other thing that my short existence on this earth has taught me, is that life is not fair nor predictable. Some might say that the unpredictability alone is a reason to be positive. Well, I have tried that over and over again only to be disappointed.
I know everyone has their struggles and childhood issues and such, but I have seriously been through the wringer. And now here I am at 29, with 'my whole life ahead of me' and yet again, I am struggling. Honestly, I blame myself for having a dream. If I had no dreams and no aspirations then I would never be disappointed, right? I am not sure when exactly the idea and thoughts of my husband and I becoming parents consumed my every waking thought and fuelled my emotions 100 times per cycle, but it does.
Now with a dual IF diagnosis I am lost. My whole life has been about other people. Taking care of my mom, helping my sister, looking out for other friends and family. Go figure that now we are in a place where we are not responsible for anyone, I am feeling empty. I want a child. I want our child to be loved and nurtured and experience a different kind of life then the ones we had. I look at our house and see it as empty. We only have each other and quite honestly, I feel like I am no prize. What can I possibly give to my husband?
I am sad most of the time. Attached to an electronic device trying to sort out all the crap in my head and figure out what it is I want to do and how I want our life to look without children. Well, these answers don't come easily. And this too, makes me feel like a failure.
The spiritual side of me knows it isn't healthy to hate your body, but I do. It is broken. My womanhood is broken. The most basic thing that all of us are supposed to be able to do and I can't do it. To add insult to injury, my partner whom I selected and love with all of my heart, is broken too. I have been told by others that they would leave after hearing that he doesn't want to discuss IVF right now and that he would revisit it in about a year. My response? I don't want to have a child with anyone, just him. He is my partner and I want him to be the father of my child(ren).
So basically I feel like I am living my life in limbo, unsure of the next steps and what I need to make me happy and I don't know what it is. I feel tried and small. So today is a bad day for me. I sit at home instead of work because my head is filled with questions I have no answers to and it is weighing me down. I know I need to figure it out and that I am the only person that can make these decisions, but I don't know what the next step is.
I hope expressing some of these feelings is a good start.
Charla
I know everyone has their struggles and childhood issues and such, but I have seriously been through the wringer. And now here I am at 29, with 'my whole life ahead of me' and yet again, I am struggling. Honestly, I blame myself for having a dream. If I had no dreams and no aspirations then I would never be disappointed, right? I am not sure when exactly the idea and thoughts of my husband and I becoming parents consumed my every waking thought and fuelled my emotions 100 times per cycle, but it does.
Now with a dual IF diagnosis I am lost. My whole life has been about other people. Taking care of my mom, helping my sister, looking out for other friends and family. Go figure that now we are in a place where we are not responsible for anyone, I am feeling empty. I want a child. I want our child to be loved and nurtured and experience a different kind of life then the ones we had. I look at our house and see it as empty. We only have each other and quite honestly, I feel like I am no prize. What can I possibly give to my husband?
I am sad most of the time. Attached to an electronic device trying to sort out all the crap in my head and figure out what it is I want to do and how I want our life to look without children. Well, these answers don't come easily. And this too, makes me feel like a failure.
The spiritual side of me knows it isn't healthy to hate your body, but I do. It is broken. My womanhood is broken. The most basic thing that all of us are supposed to be able to do and I can't do it. To add insult to injury, my partner whom I selected and love with all of my heart, is broken too. I have been told by others that they would leave after hearing that he doesn't want to discuss IVF right now and that he would revisit it in about a year. My response? I don't want to have a child with anyone, just him. He is my partner and I want him to be the father of my child(ren).
So basically I feel like I am living my life in limbo, unsure of the next steps and what I need to make me happy and I don't know what it is. I feel tried and small. So today is a bad day for me. I sit at home instead of work because my head is filled with questions I have no answers to and it is weighing me down. I know I need to figure it out and that I am the only person that can make these decisions, but I don't know what the next step is.
I hope expressing some of these feelings is a good start.
Charla
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