Having a Bad Day

You know how when you're having a bad day and people tell you to just 'relax, things will get better'? Well I hate this advice personally. For one thing, no one can see into the future. The other thing that my short existence on this earth has taught me, is that life is not fair nor predictable. Some might say that the unpredictability alone is a reason to be positive. Well, I have tried that over and over again only to be disappointed.

I know everyone has their struggles and childhood issues and such, but I have seriously been through the wringer. And now here I am at 29, with 'my whole life ahead of me' and yet again, I am struggling. Honestly, I blame myself for having a dream. If I had no dreams and no aspirations then I would never be disappointed, right? I am not sure when exactly the idea and thoughts of my husband and I becoming parents consumed my every waking thought and fuelled my emotions 100 times per cycle, but it does.

Now with a dual IF diagnosis I am lost. My whole life has been about other people. Taking care of my mom, helping my sister, looking out for other friends and family. Go figure that now we are in a place where we are not responsible for anyone, I am feeling empty. I want a child. I want our child to be loved and nurtured and experience a different kind of life then the ones we had. I look at our house and see it as empty. We only have each other and quite honestly, I feel like I am no prize. What can I possibly give to my husband?

I am sad most of the time. Attached to an electronic device trying to sort out all the crap in my head and figure out what it is I want to do and how I want our life to look without children. Well, these answers don't come easily. And this too, makes me feel like a failure.

The spiritual side of me knows it isn't healthy to hate your body, but I do. It is broken. My womanhood is broken. The most basic thing that all of us are supposed to be able to do and I can't do it. To add insult to injury, my partner whom I selected and love with all of my heart, is broken too. I have been told by others that they would leave after hearing that he doesn't want to discuss IVF right now and that he would revisit it in about a year. My response? I don't want to have a child with anyone, just him. He is my partner and I want him to be the father of my child(ren).

So basically I feel like I am living my life in limbo, unsure of the next steps and what I need to make me happy and I don't know what it is. I feel tried and small. So today is a bad day for me. I sit at home instead of work because my head is filled with questions I have no answers to and it is weighing me down. I know I need to figure it out and that I am the only person that can make these decisions, but I don't know what the next step is.

I hope expressing some of these feelings is a good start.

Charla