So, after what has already felt like an eternity with all of this 'lovely' TTC crap, recently we got to add not one, but two chemical pregnancies to our resume. :(
For anyone who doesn't know what a chemical pregnancy is, very simply put, it is a very early miscarriage. Where either the little bean tried to implant but failed or failed after it had begun to stick. Either way, it's a shit deal. Some people use this term far too loosely - which really pisses me off by the way- and some people just think it's your period coming late. Well, am I bleeding? Yup. Would I bleed in my normal cycle? Yup. But the difference is that other cycles I didn't get to see progression of pinks lines on pee sticks and KNOW that I pregnant! Kind of a big deal, don't you think?
Well if you're my Dad, it's all the same. He doesn't get what the 'big deal' is because 'if you stopped testing early, you'd never know'. Uh-huh, because ignorance is bliss for his generation I suppose. Where as I, actually want to know what is going on with my body and why these little beans won't stick!! Do I need vag-candies (progesterone) or something else to keep this next little embaby in there?
So, for now. I sit here bleeding, with my third loss and think to myself 'what could I have done differently? Did I cause this? What if it never happens for us?' And then I remember all of the joy those two lines gave me and think, that is my reason for continuing on. The joy, the hope and the dream of someday holding a little one in my arms.
